Within about about a month, my journal entries shifted from a recording of happy events to a recording of thoughts, feelings and questions about his behavior. And eventually, the last entry ended up being a list of all the reasons we broke up. A reminder to myself of why things didn't work out so I wouldn't go back to him.
I wish I could say that I heeded my own warnings, but of course we know that is not the case. I went back to him so many times. Each time trying to re-capture the magic of that first month. It took me a long time to give up on that relationship, but when I finally did set myself free, the most amazing thing happened. I met the person who might actually be The One. And it is nothing like I expected it to be.
I usually use nicknames for the people I write about in my blog, especially the people I am dating. Perhaps trying to protect their identity by masking it in some way. There was the Canadian, my Mr. Big, the Boy, the Elevator Guy and of course, my ex-boyfriend. I never came up with a unique name for him in my blog. Nothing ever felt quite right.
But this time I don't have anything that I need to hide. And my boyfriend is completely aware and accepting of my blog. In fact, he wants to read all of them! (Not sure if I am ready for that just yet.)
His name is Mark Johnson. That is who he is and that is what I want to call him when I write about him. Yes, I could just call him Mark. But most of the time, for some reason, I call him Mark Johnson. I love his name. The simplicity of it and the way it rolls off my tongue.
Mark Johnson and I are falling in love. Our story is nothing like the kind you would find in a typical romance movie. Instead of starting off with fireworks, we just sort of stumbled into being. And unlike my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, I have no record of any of it. Except for what he and I both remember.
On some level, I like it that way. I have been quiet about him on my blog. Mostly because things are so good that I can't possibly even put them into words. And the act of sharing all of our private moments almost feels like it would devalue them in some way.
I am sitting on the couch in his apartment right now. He lives in Ohio, so we don't get to see each other every day. Our relationship moves forward gradually through our daily texts and phone calls. And then it moves forward in big bursts when we are together. Yesterday was one of those days. I woke up this morning feeling so intensely connected to him. Feeling like I am exactly where I am meant to be.
After he left for work, I got up and went into the kitchen to empty the dishwasher. Every time I opened up a cabinet to put something away, I got it right on the first try. Silverware in the far drawer, utensils next to that. Dishes and glasses in the cabinet above. Pots and pans below. The measuring cup goes in the cabinet above the sink, just like at my house.
I remember when I would try to help with the dishes at my ex-boyfriend's house. I could never figure out where anything went. It was so cluttered. And I was always afraid that I was going to do it wrong. He would stand there and watch me attempt things just to see if I would get them right. He never offered a reminder of where things went. I always had to ask for help if I needed it.
And I could never imagine myself staying there for an entire day while he was at work. His place had such a negative vibe to it. I don't think my creative muse would come to visit me there. And I really can't blame her.
All my life I tried to avoid making a commitment to another person. I wanted to keep my options open and make sure that I never made a mistake or felt trapped with the wrong person. I wanted to be 100% sure before I leaped. Which meant that I never leaped at all.
That's not to say I didn't have some great relationships along the way. I have been in love before, in some cases very deeply in love. And those relationships were exactly what I wanted at the time. Otherwise I wouldn't have been in them.
Somehow this feels different. I know that I am a different person. And I think it helped me to attract a different type of person. Mark Johnson is compassionate, sincere, loving, supportive, happy, positive, witty and intelligent. He says what he feels and he treats me like I am the most special woman he has ever met. He puts me up on a pedestal and keeps me grounded at the same time.
Before, it might have made me uncomfortable for someone to treat me that way. Or maybe I wouldn't have believed a relationship like that could exist. Sometimes I still don't believe it. Yet, it is happening to me right this moment. I am living it every day.