Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Making Room

After two months of being in a relationship, there are a few things I have noticed.  The refrigerator at my house is always full of food.  Dishes and laundry seem to multiply exponentially.  And I find myself refilling the toilet paper and hand soap at an alarming rate.

Aside from these little changes around my house, there are big changes too.  The most notable is the almost constant presence of my guy.  Before we started dating, I already had a full life.  Now I find myself struggling to figure out how this new person fits.

I remember writing a blog a few years ago called the 80 Percent Rule.  My theory at the time was that in any relationship you only get about 80 percent of what you want.  If you break up with a person in search of the missing 20 percent, you will inevitably find someone else who has that 20 percent but is lacking something else.  Ultimately, you just end up swapping for a different 80 percent.

If I look back on my relationship with the Boy and compare it to my new guy, I have definitely solved a lot of the issues that plagued that relationship.  My new guy is intelligent, stable, mature and financially secure. Those are not words I would have ever used to describe the Boy.

When I was dating the Boy, we never kept anything at each other's houses.  With my new guy, there are traces of him everywhere.  Shoes by the side door, a coffee mug on my kitchen counter, a toothbrush and deodorant in the bathroom.  There is a pile of his clothes in my bedroom and I have already laid claim to a favorite t-shirt and sweatshirt.

Most importantly, I never felt like I could see a future with the Boy.  With my new guy, I spend a lot of time contemplating our future.  Sometimes I think it is easier to picture a future with him than it is to be in a relationship with him in the present.

The one thing I struggle with right now is time.  When I was dating the Boy it was pretty easy to limit our interaction to a few nights a week.  I never found myself wanting more and he rarely complained about it.  With my new guy, it seems like time is always the issue.  He is looking for a relationship where two people do everything together.  I think he would be perfectly content with seven nights a week if I was prepared to offer them.

And its not that I want him to leave, I just have other things I would like to do.  Whether it is spending time with my nieces and nephews, going shopping with my sister or having dinner with my parents.  Or sometimes just hanging out by myself.  Being in this relationship takes away the flexibility to do what I want whenever I want.

While I realize that all relationships require compromise, it seems like the person I am dating always wants just a little more than I am able to give.

Each of us has preconceived notions of what a relationship should be like. Whether it is my standard rule of three nights a week or my guy's desire for constant contact.  And it is easy to get frustrated when the person you are dating does not fit within your perfect relationship model.

Unfortunately, you don't fall in love with a person on paper, you fall in love with the person sitting beside you on the couch.

I guess when you meet someone you really care about, you have to make a decision. You can continue to cling to your relationship ideal and hold out for that elusive 100%, or you can attempt to have a real relationship in the real world.

I am hoping that my guy can learn to give me some space.  And I can learn to make some room.


Anonymous said...

Great quote
You know what we all do when we fall in love. WE EXPECT!
And it just ruins everything.

Anonymous said...

You figured it out. Relationships are about learning. Constant learning about the other person and yourself. Sometimes I think we expect them to have instructions and just "know" what we want. And that is just not the real world! The right person will just get it right more often than the wrong person and MORE importantly, the right person will keep trying

Cupcake said...

Yes, I think both people need to keep trying to learn about each other and adjust accordingly. It is not easy, but hopefully will be worth it in the end!

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