I have been debating whether or not I should close down my blog. Lately, this blog has become a perfect representation of my personal life. I think about it a lot, but when it comes time to do something, I am always out of energy. Being a person who needs closure, I was going to write one last entry to explain to my loyal followers (i.e. my sisters and my Mr. Big) why I decided to stop writing.
As I contemplated writing my final words, I remembered where I was when I started this blog two and a half years ago. I was working as a consultant for the Company and I hated my job. I was in a perpetual power struggle with two horrible women (my Boss and her Daughter) and they were making me miserable. All I wanted to do was escape.
And I had broken up with the Boy after Round 1. It had been a few months since we had spoken and I was trying to move on and find someone new. Meanwhile, my Mr. Big was in and out of my life. I still had not resolved my feelings for him.
When I started this blog, I desperately wanted to change my life. The more I wrote, the more I felt like I was on the verge of some great transformation. Yet, nothing ever materialized.
Objectively, you could say that my life has changed in the past two and a half years. But when you really look at it, so much remains the same.
I finally left the Company and I have a new job. And this time I like my boss. But I am working on a huge project that has placed me in the middle of a power struggle with yet another overbearing and horrible woman. There are days I dread going to work because I do not want to deal with her negative attitude and continual criticism.
As for the Boy, I started dating him again in Round 2 and then we broke up. Even though I promised myself that there would not be a Round 3, we recently started hanging out. He finally got a house and we are getting along better than ever before. Since we are not officially dating, the pressure of moving in together and having a baby is gone. I feel happy and free when I am with him. But I know that he still wants to have a child eventually. And it can't be with me.
And of course my Mr. Big is a continual presence in my life. It has been over five years since his stroke, and I still have not resolved my feelings for him. When he had his knee surgery this year, we got really close. It got to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every day. But as soon as he found out I was hanging out with the Boy again, we stopped talking. After being madly in love for five years, we can't seem to figure out how to be friends.
Instead of documenting a great transformation in my life, it turns out this blog has merely narrated my travels around a circular path. My life is a series of patterns.
When I am stressed and unhappy at work, I seek comfort from the Boy. And everything is fine until we try to define our relationship. Then things fall apart and I reach out to someone who truly understands me, my Mr. Big. Inevitably, my job becomes more stressful and I start things up with the Boy again. When I get back together with the Boy, my Mr. Big gets jealous and he pulls away. And the cycle continues.
According to the dictionary, a pattern is a combination of qualities, acts or tendencies forming a consistent or characteristic arrangement. To me, a pattern is a series of behaviors that we choose to repeat because they are predictable, familiar or safe. Which makes me question why I have chosen to repeat this particular set of behaviors in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I am too idealistic. Every time I start a new job, I have the same high expectations that it will be so much better than the last one. And then six months later I am disappointed to find myself in the familiar position of being overworked and buckling under an unbearable amount of stress. I allow myself to engage in protracted conflicts with difficult people in the hopes that they will see the error of their ways and change their bad behaviors. Instead, they eventually wear me down and ruin my attitude.
I always like to tell myself that I am a person who works to live. But for someone who supposedly doesn't care about work, I sure spend a lot of time focused on it.
My relationships are just as idealistic. I only want to be with someone when I am at my best. I like to dress up and shave my legs for date night. Then we have dinner, drinks and flirt the appropriate amount of time before we go home and have great sex. I don't want to share all of my flaws with someone and I certainly don't want to see all of theirs! In my world, guys don't burp or clip their toenails in front of you. There are no socks left on the floor and the toilet seat is always down.
I have spent my life avoiding making a commitment to the wrong person. By my standards, you have to wonder if anyone would ever be the right person. Yet, there are a few people from my past who I still think about all the time. I am more comfortable imagining what my life would have been like with someone I can never be with than building a life with someone I could be with.
Maybe it isn't the job or the relationship that is the problem. Maybe it is the unrealistic expectations that I place on myself and others.
As I get older, it seems like I spend more time assessing my life, as opposed to just living it. If I haven't yet achieved the great transformation I have been waiting for, maybe it is time for me to do something different.