Sunday, September 25, 2011

Heart Over Head

Social networking sites are a dangerous tool. Where else can you find all of your ex-boyfriends and almost boyfriends neatly laid out for you with recent photos? A girl left to her own devices on a Sunday evening could easily get into trouble. But more on that later.

Since I started my new job, I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia. My new office is in the same city I worked in 10 years ago. Everywhere I go, I am reminded of the people I used to hang out with and the places we used to go. In fact, most of my favorite lunch spots and happy hour watering holes are still exactly as they used to be.

I absolutely loved that time in my life. I was working for a health insurance company that specializes in Medicaid which is a state-funded program for people who are too poor to afford health care. I was doing something that made a difference. And I felt good about it.

Plus, that job is where I met my Mr. Big. But its not just about him. I used to have a whole group of friends at that job. And we would all go out and socialize after work. One of my closest friends was a guy who was my age. Let's just call him Gus. We were practically inseparable for three years. In fact, most people at work assumed we were dating, which was quite helpful in disguising the fact that I was actually dating my Mr. Big.

Unfortunately, things did not end well with my friend Gus. The three of us became some sort of bizarre love triangle in which my Mr. Big ended up the perceived winner and Gus ended up the loser. I am still not sure why that happened, since Gus never even said that he wanted to date me in the first place. And he had plenty of opportunities, because we hung out for over a year before I started dating my Mr. Big.

I guess that is why I still have unresolved feelings about the whole situation. And being in that city and driving past all of our old stomping grounds does not seem to help matters.

Last week I went to a conference up at the State capitol and ran into a few other friends from my old job. We decided to try and get the whole group together for drinks after work sometime soon. Of course, the first person that came to my mind was Gus. I thought about sending him a note to see if he might want to meet up with us.

Then there is the Canadian. I have tried to get him out of my head but lately I find myself drawn to him again. He and I started dating when I was 20 years old, just before I left for graduate school in Minnesota. Back then I was a bleeding heart liberal trying to fix the health care system and save the world. When he found me again a few years ago, I was a jaded consultant working for the global corporate bastards at the Company. Clearly, I had lost my way.

Now I have found a job that makes me happy and puts me right back on track. And I want to tell him all about it. I want him to see that I really am the same girl that he fell in love with 20 years ago. The entire time I spent working at the Company, I wasn't really me. Which means I was never really myself around him either. Not to say that any of that lets him off the hook for everything he put me through. But this is not his journey to redemption. It is mine.

I am feeling so motivated and passionate about my work that it makes me want to have an equal amount of enthusiasm for the rest of my life. I am desperately longing for a connection.

And on top of things, the Boy and I are not communicating right now. I can't say that we are unhappy because that would involve either of us having strong enough feelings to articulate a clear position. We are just in a rut. I have been going through the motions and hoping things get better. But I am intellectually starving to death in this relationship. And great sex can't solve that problem.

My head is telling me that I can't turn back time. And trying to re-connect with the loves from my past is a dangerous game. But my heart keeps searching for something more.

I feel like there is someone out there for me. The person that I am meant to be with. And he is closer than ever before. I am not saying it has to be one of the people from my past. But for me, the past is an integral part of who I am. Maybe I just want to re-visit it so I can move forward and become the person I am meant to be.

My Mr. Big used to say that when it comes to matters of head versus heart, he would follow his heart every time. It is what led him to me.

There have been so many times that I have thought about sending messages to my friend Gus or to the Canadian. But something always held me back. Tonight I was able to boldly hit the send key without hesitation. That was my heart talking. And I listened.

Now I just have to wait and see what happens next.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them.

Anonymous said...

It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does.